Monday 5 November 2012

Alice, Alice, Are You Still In Wonderland? (2)–By Jude Egbas

The Ovaarnong (Chief) of the Ofodua Kingdom is the genteel and mild-mannered former Lecturer of the University of PortAluu.
“Mild-mannered indeed”, the Ovaarnong mutters now to himself, rather derisively. If only the people of Ofodua knew what their ‘mild-mannered’ Ovaarnong will be up to in a few minutes, he shrugs; as he alights from his luxury Four Wheel Drive at about midnight; Ofodua time, and hurtles into the apartment of Alice Maduegbuna, the Minister of Oil Palm Resources in the Kingdom.
This meeting with Alice was called at her behest. She has always had him by the balls, anyway. “A very good thing”, he surmises, almost laughing his Chieftaincy hat off. “Strength of a woman; bless you Shaggy……”.
“Alice….Alice…..I am calling for you”….he whistles now as he steps onto the terraces of her palatial mansion….furnished in Queenly fashion thanks to a never ending flow of Oil Palm resources….


Welcome Ovaarnong
Have you massaged my tummy lately? Oya, come to Daddy…
I don’t massage tummies just like that and certainly not for free
It’s okay. I got your back….hehehehe…good, good. Now this is what I call a massage. Why this late night invitation? I had to disguise to come here. You know this Ofodua People can see through a man. And I had to tell Madam that the Elders of Council called for an Emergency meeting on Security which could last till dawn. I am certainly yours all night.
I am sorry, Ovaarnong. But as always, I am wondering if….
I have always assured you everything was going to be okay. Convert the ‘woman’ hours spent in endless ‘wondering sessions’ to think about me. Like I have been hearing over the Radio these days– ‘Your waist….your waist…all I want is your waist…..’
‘….First of all….’
‘….Bend down low….’
Buahahahaha. Stop it, jor. Who will believe an old man like you still listens to such lewd and youthful songs?
‘Old man’ ke! Na you talk that one o! Person wey dey play squash with him media aide, Akpata, na him you dey call ‘old’?….If na play, stop am o! I may soon consider banning some of these songs from our airwaves, though, beginning with Otondo Dikeh’s…..
Hahahaaaaa! Oya I was ‘jest’ joking. Okay, you must have realized I am in soup again….
Which soup? Ogbono abi Egusi? You are not in any soup, jare. I ‘gat’ your back
What of the allegation from that Rabbi’s Report that I awarded Palm Oil licenses in discretionary fashion?
Stop wondering, Alice
How about the part where the Report detailed that the Ofodua Palm Oil Corporation sells itself cheap oil and palm kernel?
Stop wondering, Alice
How about the noxious revelations that billions of Ofodua Yarns are missing in bonuses and royalties….part of the deals having been cut during my tenure here?
Stop wondering, Alice
What of the sickening calls by activists, civil society groups of Ofodua and all those social media overlords that I should be relieved of my position?
Stop wondering, Alice
Stop wondering?!! What’s the catch? What aces are you playing here?
I liked the fact that you already tacitly informed the media that the Kingdom will have its input into the final document which I have now received, and that the Rabbi’s Report was only a ‘draft’. That was smart talk from you. Recall that I didn’t come out to publicly reprimand you for those ‘unofficial’ comments. Who knew you also had brains beneath this beauty?….
What do you take me for? A zombie?
Oya, sorry. Massage me some more…..ouch! sofri ,sofri, na….
I can’t even fathom why you employed that Rabbi in the first instance to look into our records. That was some serious hara-kiri you committed. Everyone (but you, obviously) should know that our records at the Oil Palm Corporation could turn a chaste damsel into a hoe and that we stink to the high heavens
I know. It was a decoy. Call it ‘playing to the gallery’ if you may. I know how to play these sorts of games better than the Ofodua people are ready to give me credit for, otherwise I would have since fired your ass
Hehehehe…I know na. You can’t dare and you know it…hhehehehehe
Fine. I will set up another committee to look into the Rabbi’s Report and then set up another committee to look into the findings of that other committee. By the time they are done, you would have served your term as Palm Oil Minister and Ofoduans have short memory spans, anyway. In the next two months, only few persons will remember there was even a Rabbi around here, let alone the Report he supervised. Did you also notice that members of the Rabbi’s team were practically tearing themselves apart as they submitted the Report to me? We could use that as a basis to….
….Hmmmm. Sounds like a well laid and thought out plan…..
You are joking with me, ni….heheheheehhe….Get me something to drink, meanwhile. I didn’t leave my house at midnight to have a dry throat
So what will you like to drink?
The usual na…..haba! ‘Alomo’ and ‘Kparaga’ on the rocks….hehehehehe….. God will punish Satan!
*Similarities of characters used in this story to people living or dead are purely coincidental*
@egbas is on Twitter

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