The race is not for the slow nor the battle for the weak. After you have read “How To Become A Nigerian Pastor”, survival tips are needed for the sustainability of this business empire. Like the Bible has said time and again, “Money is the vehicle of the gospel”
You have to bear this at the back of your mind every time. Nigerians are on a quest for something to believe in. This few tips will help you maintain this leash around their necks. After all, you are their ticket to heaven. Or so they must understand.
1. Preach Prosperity: To become a very successful pastor in Nigeria, you really have to learn the tricks of the trade. This has absolutely nothing to do with preaching insightful and inspiring messages. Neither does it have to do with ministering to the spiritual needs of the members of the church. We are talking prosperity messages. Your success or failure as a pastor depends solely on your ability to pull a crowd and “squeeze” as much money as possible from them without any show of mercy. If you fail in these vital areas, you are not likely to survive for long as a Nigerian Pastor. The technique is simple but effective. You tell your congregants that for every Naira they give, they will get a hundredfold return. Even those in debt are encouraged to get out of debt by giving out of their indebtedness. This works every time, trust me.
Paint a picture to your congregants of how the god you serve is a money-doubling one. proclaim in your messages that until a “seed offering” is sown, they will all die of hunger and starvation. Use threat words…scare the shit out of their pants. Fear mongering is not a sin. People fear a future of penury and lack so you are likely to see different members of your congregation suddenly get up in the middle of your sermons to throw money at your feet. Once it gets to that point, you already have them by the jugular. After all, anointing without money is equal to annoyance.
2. Offering Time, Baby: Offering time is and must be the most important part of any service. At this point, you must be very creative. Your imagination must run very wild. Just come up with a nice-sounding name for an offering and voila! It automatically becomes God’s commandment. Also as soon as you can, proscribe the giving of offerings in the smaller currency notes. Your god is not a poor god. Like I said, you have to be creative. three major offerings are to be collected in every service: one for “the Father;” another for “the Son;” and yet another for “the holy Spirit. If all options in getting them to pay higher currencies fail, try the biggest arm-twisting technique of all time: ask everybody to march forward, one by one, to drop their offerings on a tray placed strategically in front of you. This way, you can observe exactly how much they are giving and thereby intimidate them into giving more than they would like to. Sleek hand? Thank me later.
3. Tithes: 10% of all their monthly earnings For the lord. This is the oldest trick in the book. Encourage them to give above 10% but never below. It is for their own good. Make it known that anyone who doesn’t give up his tithe is owing God. And God goes after his debtors more aggressively than our nice brothers and sisters in Ilesa, Osun state. Tithes will go a long way in helping you sustain the ministry. It is not the lord’s business to know what your congregants do for a living to pay their tithes. As long as the tithe is paid, glory be to God… During the services, ask the tithers to stand up and say a special prayer for them. This has a kind of psychological effect/blow-back on the non-tithers. Works five stars!
4. Evangelism: More souls are needed for the kingdom.
Go into talks with other like-minded-churches in your vicinity and have a sort of joint soul fishing venture where members of partner churches go together for “evangelism” to all nooks and crannies of a particular area and at the end of every expedition, you and the other pastors sit down and “share the souls” to your various churches.
Also, the need to go for missions by your church is very important. The local missions( in States where Boko Haram insurgency is high) are for the junior/apprentice pastors while foreign missions to the UK and the US is your sole prerogative as a senior pastor. This is why you need to up your game and get a private jet for mission purposes! Anyone who says the private jet(s) is for luxury, may their Okra never draw! It is not your fault Jesus didn’t fly a jet, or the miserly Pope of the catholic church chooses to fly commercial every time he goes on a trip. By any means necessary, buy that private jet and tell the ever-nosy press that your congregation bought it for you. But by all means, get one!
5. Ventures and Business Enterprises: All good businessmen diversify. They don’t just teach you some of this stuff in Pastoral school, sadly. Invest the “tithes, goodwill offerings, church offerings and all into other business interests like shares, oil and gas, real estate, hotels and most importantly, Universities. Make sure the first project you invest in, is a University. Get all the congregants to donate and even work as labourers on the project. When the project is done and dusted, make it as unaffordable as possible. Education is for the rich and religion is the opium of the masses.
To Be Continued…….
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